Azurakai

And hopefully they will not be struck with a question Hopefully any questions they have will knock. Or better yet call first. I bet I'm the kind of question who would knock. Metaphorically that would be the reason I literally don't have a lot of connections with the kind of questions who would only ever call first. My sincerest wish is that when somebody sees it, that this bodes well. It's something they find like a dollar in an old jacket and not like a letter crumpled-on-impact against the anxious inertia of words left unsaid and left to echo instead across the back of the head collecting the scent of muffled hollering in the pocket of an old jacket. I'd sacrifice beyond my imagination for the security of knowing I could never be the sort of question that creeps. The sort of question that lingers on the other side of whichever door it just left through. The sort of question that takes up residence in the death of a friend after people's attention has moved on. The sort of question that can walk fully formed into a room with wild eyes, equal parts confidence and confusion writhing inside it's wretched syntax as it witnesses every possible answer shy from the conversation. When somebody eventually sees it, there shouldn't be any question of whether or not to keep it to themselves. I wouldn't wish it on anyone to become the sort of question that lives in secrecy, that is a deeply messed up sort of fate. To become a question like that you need to have it rattling around in your brain, unanswered for fear of discovery, for a long time. You hate to see it, because it takes such a long time to become them. It has to gain momentum from all the subsequent things they don't know. It has to first empower them with unknown reserves of strength then wash them aside as they become a tsunami coursing over their own mind. Someone who has become a hidden question is doomed to spend their lives like a ghost, deprived of their own significance until the opportunity arises to piggyback on the still living existence of another person entirely. If they are not too far gone then they, like me, can pray. Pray they do not haunt their acknowledgers. Pray the answer is worth more than their own completion. Pray for fate to be greater and more appropriate than anyone could have imagined. Is it better this way? If I could prevent it all should I? Would I do the same for someone like me, not knowing the consequences? Writing this seems a poor way to honor the self- defying infinity I am amidst. But someone will find it better. Somebody will see it eventually. That moment will be a prayer the likes of which my words would fail. It must be somewhat vain, hoping that it will bring joy that i’ll be around to share in.

I have been told my stream of consciousness is really funny. It’s not surprising anymore, I don’t get it. In fact, stop assigning artificial significance to my thoughts i don’t mean to be rude but it’s… triggering maybe? Like some people are with visual patterns not a full blown phobia but there’s a trauma response there. Often, the reason I say things that people respond positively to is because they’re easy to remember how to say without hurting myself or losing a beat if my words shine brilliantly on my ego it often goes with attention from others and i think sometimes I just imagine that I live in

I want to put a rain baffle in the branch hanging over the pond so I can air layer magnolia starts with strawberries packed into the dressing which will creep down a series of wells and bells that shelter the plugs for features in the water. Hopefully I will be able to harvest aquatic strawberries off at the end of it. To make the hide for the goldfish this winter I want to loft the silt trap and the scrubber pump together with small tanks and that large cylindrical vase. The vase will trap any bubbles that nucleate on calcium deposits and the warm water will spill upward into the tanks arranged in a triangle around it in a Y or A shape, in t